Busy week

It's been nearly a week since my last post...I'm terrible at keeping up with this!

Anyway short post just to post a couple of pictures from the AYME meet up at my house yesterday. It was a brilliant day with a BBQ, lots of cake and Wii Mario Kart :D

And I passed my driving test second time round so I'm over the moon :)

I'll be M.I.A for the next week because I've got my birthday tomorrow and then I'll be camping in Scotland for the rest of the week but will post when I get back .x.

If you fall off the ball, just get back on it

You've probably noticed from my recent posts that I've not been doing great physically or emotionally. And waking up every morning feeling like my legs are going to give way doesn't fill me with joy and I certainly didn't feel like getting up and going to a fitball class at the gym.

But finally on Monday, I found enough energy (hidden in a secret place that my body likes to hide from me) to go to the class for the first time in over a month. I've been dreading going for fear it would make me so ill and I'd be set back to where I was a few years ago. But I decided to just go and hope for the best.

And I'm fine. Well I say fine...I have a bruised hip because while doing this (the picture isn't me by the way, I'm usually really wobbly)...
...I fell off and landed on my hip at a funny angle. It's typical really, something painfull had to happen and it just so happened that my own silly nerves chose that particular moment to have a twitch and sent me flying very un-gracefully to the floor. But as they say, you just get back up again and I'll be going to the gym tomorrow and hopefully won't fall off the ball!

Anyway on to the main point of this pointless post! Other than my fall and relapse, everything has pretty much been brilliant - Mark's job is going well, I have the summer off before I start work again and start my OU course and we have booked a holiday to Alvor in Portugal as an early 2nd year anniversary celebration. The place looks beautiful and I'll be dragging Mark out early one morning to get some good photo...He doesn't know this yet!!!

So I guess even when everything gets really hard and stressful, we just have to have a little faith that things will be okay. Not in a religious way, but in a more faith in yourself sort of way.

Or faith that dreams can come true if you work at them hard enough and don't just wait for things to happen.

So I shall get back on that ball tomorrow and will get that amazing goddess-like figure I've been dreaming of...Or not! But we can all hope right? Or did i just completely contradict my point? Ah well...Tis my post, I'm allowed to contradict and confuse you all haha!

So til the next time I remember this blog exists - hopefully sooner than last time...

Quote of the Day: 'What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday and present thoughts build our life of tomorrow' ~ Buddhist scripture

Bucket list

Blimey, it's been a few weeks since I wrote anything. My brain hasn't been able to function for the last few weeks, what with concussion and general icky M.Eness. I'm still not feeling brilliant but my brain has agreed to work today on the one condition that I do pretty much nothing for the rest of the evening...chocolate and Transporter 2 it is then :)

I meant to post about writing a bucket list a while ago but since I haven't been around I haven't done it. If you don't know what a bucket list is, it's basically a list of all the things you want to do/accomplish before you kick the bucket (or die, for want of a better way to put it). It was never something I bothered to think about before I got ill because I always thought there would be plenty of time for everything and nothing would stop me from doing it all. And then I got ill. Suddenly all my hopes and dreams pretty much went out the window for the first few years. But recently I've realised I should just do everything I want to do but in smaller bite size chunks.

So I decided to write my own bucket list. It has everything from the list of countries I want to visit, to every major city I want to see, to finishing my degree and finally meeting my AYME friends :) It's not a very long list at the minute since I haven't had chance to think about it properly, but this summer I'm going to make a proper one :)


So have any of you wrote a bucket list? Or if you were to write one, what would you put as your top three things to do/accomplish?

Quote of the Day: 'All our dreams can come true but only if we have the courage to pursue them' ~ Walt Disney

I hate children with footballs!!

And for the second time I have concussion!! The kids at work must use my face for target practice. At the start of the year, I had a ball come down on the top of my head which resulted in concussion for 4 days :(
And today, I turned around just in time to get a close range shot directly in my nose! Apparently the kid was apologising loads and felt really bad about it, which was sweet of him to care but I didn't really hear him since I was in a complete state of shock. This is just want I need on top of my general feeling rubbishy.

I know this is a pointless post but I'll write a decent one once my concussion has gone :)

In the meantime, read this blog by a fellow M.E sufferer. It describes how life is for us perfectly
www.chemilyx.blogspot.com/2010/07/invisible-illness.html


Quote of the day: Do not work with children unless you recieve danger money!
.x.x.

All you need is a two hour phone call

I've been feeling pretty negative over the last few days because sometimes things just get too much. And after six years of constant pain, sending hopes to some mystical health god (I wish this amazing god existed) and trying to be happy because you know how much worse it could be, it's only natural to have a lapse in faith sometimes and to wonder why the hell I bother to try when recovery seems like a mysterious fairytale.

So you have your few days of feeling sorry for yourself and then you pull yourself together, either by your own will or by some encouraging words from someone close to you.

And yesterday evening, I got that phone call. Okay...so I was the one that made the call. But since Mark insists on living in the Dark Ages, only using his phone as an alarm and never having any credit, I had no choice in the matter haha! Infact, the day he has credit and surprises me with a phone call is the day I'll pull this face...

So anyway the conversation went from how his day at work had been, to me having a mini breakdown over the phone, to him reassuring me that there are ways and means around things and we'll get there eventually, and then back to how our days had been. And two hours later, I was happier just for being able to talk to him :)
And sometimes that's all you need - To hear someone you hold close tell you it'll be okay and you get a little bit of hope back.

Or for lovely members of AYME to tell you it gets better and they know because it's happening to them. Seriously I love you all. I know I'm not really close to many of you but you still never fail to give me support when I need it, even if you are having a hard day too.


Sometimes it just takes a solitary walk to make you realise there are more important things than just worrying about something that you can't change and for now, is a fact of your life.

So thankyou to all of you who have offered me advice and support in the past few years and remember that I am always here for you, should you ever need the support that you have gifted me with.

~

And on a different note, me and my mum went for a drive to Fairburn Ings Bird Reserve when the sun put in an appearance. And here are some of the photographs I took :)

Quote of the Day: 'The sun'll come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be sun'

What happened to my future?

Okay, so if you want inspiring and happy you best find another post to read because I'm incapable of that today.

I spent the weekend with Mark, and as usual it went all too quickly and tomorrow is back to the reality of me praying that morning doesn't come because I can't bare waking up alone and in pain. I don't so much mind the waking up alone since i know I'll speak to Mark tomorrow after work but it's the pain, the feeling that if I try to stand up i'll just fall right back down, that I can't bare. When Mark is here it's easier because I can just forget, take my mind off it but once he's gone and I'm left alone to just 'rest', I'm back to wondering 'What the fuck happened to my life?' Scuse my french! And just a note, I'm not a 'I would die without my boyfriend' sort of person but he honestly does make such a difference to my life, in a way that I never thought anyone could.
And now you are wondering 'What the hell is she complaining about then?'

Well....

We all have so many hopes and dreams when we are growing up. Some are just fairytales and are never going to come true, a real life prince isn't going to whisk you off your feet, but maybe if you are lucky (which thankfully I am in some ways) you'll find someone will mean everything to you. And some dreams you fully expect to come true.

Mine have always been to work abroad in some far off country in animal conservation, hell I'll even build a whole animal shelter single handed if it meant I was living my dream.

I was all set to finish my gcse's and go off around the world before going off to university. I had it all planned out, where I was going to visit, how I was going to get there...And then shit happens!

Now I don't want kids. It's one dream I never hoped for. I don't possess any maternal instinct and prefer to work with kids so that I can leave after an hour rather than having my own. But what I do hope for is the getting married on some white sandy beach with close family there.

The problem is, as things stand now I'd be inclined to say no to that dreams because how I can I put the burden of looking after me on to someone?

Okay, I know it would be out of love but I just don't think it's fair. I hate doing it to my parents and I couldn't bare doing it to the person I love.

And then there is the beautiful house out of the city where we could go for quiet walks on an evening. Okay so maybe not as big as the house below, but still somewhere to call OUR home.

And yet, as it is, there is no way I could afford to share a flat let alone buy a house.

~

I was talking to Mark last night about it - don't ask how it came up, it just did - and living together is something we both want in the future when we've been together abit longer and he is settled in his job but I can't bare to think about it. I know I couldn't afford it and unless a miracle happens in the next three years, it will be even more unlikely when my benefit is up for re-assessment.

I've been through so much shit in the past six years that I would just love for us to be able to take that next step without any stress and to just be happy. But I can't because I can't bare to think of Mark having to look after me whenever I'm too ill to care for myself and a house (Yes! It's a pride thing!) or pay more into the house because I don't have enough money to live, let alone pay bills.

~

I know most people will say 'Oh but you might be better by then' and even Mark holds out hope that I'll not have to go through the pain every single day but let's face it, after six years and not that much improvement, it's not that likely I'll be getting better in the next three years. And I've accepted that, I can live with that but it pains me to think that in five or six years, we'll be stuck in the same damn place going nowhere, and that isn't fair.

~

I'm sorry for my whiny post today and Mark if you are reading this, just know that I love you, more than I ever thought I could allow myself to and I want so much for us. So I hope you are right - Just keep your fingers crossed.

Quote of the day: 'Can we pretend that aeroplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, I could really use a wish right now'

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

You know, I have never really thought of myself as beautiful, especially not after my self-esteem was shattered by years of being put down by friends. And yet I am able to see the beauty in everything else around me, it's strange how the mind works.

We live in a world full of beautiful things but how often do we actually stop and really appreciate it?

Have you ever stood outside on a clear night and just watching the stars?

Have you ever just looking into someone's eyes and realised just how beautiful they are?

Or listened to a piece of music and felt it all the way to your soul?

Beauty is everywhere...

It's in the young woman you see walk past

(Above photograph credit to sm-photography.deviantart.com)
In the relationship of a mother and daughter playing on the beach, a love that will last forever

And the love that a mother has for her cub, who she'll risk her life to protect

In the young love that feels like it could last forever, no matter what your age

And in the mist that shrouds a landscape as the sun sets

And yet, we can't see the beauty in our own lives. The unconditional love from our parents who would give up everything to care for us if we became ill. The reflection in the mirror every morning. The old couple who still walk down the street hand in hand even after a lifetime together. The first flower of spring.

~

A little girl at my work likes to walk around the playground with me. I asked her yesterday 'Why do you want to spend your whole playtime stood with me?'

Her reply?

'Because you are the most beautiful lady in the whole world'

~

I couldn't help but smile. If only we all still held on to that childlike innocence which allows us to see the beauty in everything, even ourselves.

~

So I am the most beautiful lady in the whole world and to all of you reading this, so are you and never let anyone else tell you different.

~

Quote of the day: Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee amongst the flowers, small children's laughter, smiling faces, your reflection. Smell the rain and feel the wind. Live and fight for the beauty in your dreams .x.