Tuesday, 22 April 2014

Realising just how much things change

It's been a while since I even logged into this site let alone looked at my blog. If someone had said to me a year ago that I would be writing these words, I would have thought them mad or at least incredibly hopeful. But here I am, writing about how much things have really changed.

It's hard to really know where to start since I don't really know myself at what point things changed. I guess it was just a gradual process where I eventually found myself being able to do slightly more, feeling like I had actually slept and not feeling as much pain. Don't get me wrong, I'm under no illusions that I'm cured but life is easier to manage, my body can take more abuse in the form of working and the gym. When a migraine sends me to bed or an infection knocks me for six, I do get that niggling fear in my head that it's starting again, that my life will just slip away into a mirade of pain and weakness.

But focus is now the key! When I feel not so great I know I have to stop because if I push it, the walking stick sitting covered in dust in the corner may need dusting off and I cannot think of anything worse than going back to those dark days.

After 9 and a half years, I am working almost full time with brilliant people in a job I love and I don't spend every night paying the toll of pain for it. Granted there are some days the back pain is still sickening and the headaches, blinding but you can't have everything and it's a compromise I will always be willing to make just to be in the land of the living again.

It probably helps that I get to see faces like this everyday...

This blog isn't about telling you how well things are going, I want it to be more about telling you guys that things do get better. Yes, it has taken a bloody long time for me, though not as long as some and unfortunately I don't have any answers on the medical front but just remember to never give up.

I've found it very hard to adjust to not checking my every step, every ounce of energy but a habit of 9 years is hard to break I guess. But here's to a new chapter, of moving on and staying well

If you have a good day, enjoy it! Your illness doesn't define you unless you allow it to. Just because the things you accomplish are little in comparison to other peoples, doesn't mean you should enjoy it any less. If anything those little things mean so much more.

And whilst I know it is hard, sometimes it is worth it to push some boundaries. We get so stuck in the mindset of can't, so much so that you never realise you can until you just try.

A few people have asked me recently what I did to get on this infamous road to recovery and if I'm being brutally honest, I haven't got a bloody clue! Just luck I guess. I have always pushed myself to the limit even when really ill so by rights my body should be the living embodiment of Hades but it's not and I have no reason for it. One thing I will say is I never gave up my life for the illness and I never will. If you let it beat you, it will win.

Quote of the day: 'It was time to start again. Learn to live and love again, dance in the rain instead of trying to hide my tears in it. The light was finally shining through the fog that had surrounded for so long. Smiling to herself, she started to dance'