Wednesday, 21 July 2010

I hate children with footballs!!

And for the second time I have concussion!! The kids at work must use my face for target practice. At the start of the year, I had a ball come down on the top of my head which resulted in concussion for 4 days :(
And today, I turned around just in time to get a close range shot directly in my nose! Apparently the kid was apologising loads and felt really bad about it, which was sweet of him to care but I didn't really hear him since I was in a complete state of shock. This is just want I need on top of my general feeling rubbishy.

I know this is a pointless post but I'll write a decent one once my concussion has gone :)

In the meantime, read this blog by a fellow M.E sufferer. It describes how life is for us perfectly

Quote of the day: Do not work with children unless you recieve danger money!

Tuesday, 20 July 2010

All you need is a two hour phone call

I've been feeling pretty negative over the last few days because sometimes things just get too much. And after six years of constant pain, sending hopes to some mystical health god (I wish this amazing god existed) and trying to be happy because you know how much worse it could be, it's only natural to have a lapse in faith sometimes and to wonder why the hell I bother to try when recovery seems like a mysterious fairytale.

So you have your few days of feeling sorry for yourself and then you pull yourself together, either by your own will or by some encouraging words from someone close to you.

And yesterday evening, I got that phone call. I was the one that made the call. But since Mark insists on living in the Dark Ages, only using his phone as an alarm and never having any credit, I had no choice in the matter haha! Infact, the day he has credit and surprises me with a phone call is the day I'll pull this face...

So anyway the conversation went from how his day at work had been, to me having a mini breakdown over the phone, to him reassuring me that there are ways and means around things and we'll get there eventually, and then back to how our days had been. And two hours later, I was happier just for being able to talk to him :)
And sometimes that's all you need - To hear someone you hold close tell you it'll be okay and you get a little bit of hope back.

Or for lovely members of AYME to tell you it gets better and they know because it's happening to them. Seriously I love you all. I know I'm not really close to many of you but you still never fail to give me support when I need it, even if you are having a hard day too.

Sometimes it just takes a solitary walk to make you realise there are more important things than just worrying about something that you can't change and for now, is a fact of your life.

So thankyou to all of you who have offered me advice and support in the past few years and remember that I am always here for you, should you ever need the support that you have gifted me with.
And on a different note, me and my mum went for a drive to Fairburn Ings Bird Reserve when the sun put in an appearance. And here are some of the photographs I took :)

Quote of the Day: 'The sun'll come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be sun'

Sunday, 18 July 2010

What happened to my future?

Okay, so if you want inspiring and happy you best find another post to read because I'm incapable of that today.

I spent the weekend with Mark, and as usual it went all too quickly and tomorrow is back to the reality of me praying that morning doesn't come because I can't bare waking up alone and in pain. I don't so much mind the waking up alone since i know I'll speak to Mark tomorrow after work but it's the pain, the feeling that if I try to stand up i'll just fall right back down, that I can't bare. When Mark is here it's easier because I can just forget, take my mind off it but once he's gone and I'm left alone to just 'rest', I'm back to wondering 'What the fuck happened to my life?' Scuse my french! And just a note, I'm not a 'I would die without my boyfriend' sort of person but he honestly does make such a difference to my life, in a way that I never thought anyone could.
And now you are wondering 'What the hell is she complaining about then?'


We all have so many hopes and dreams when we are growing up. Some are just fairytales and are never going to come true, a real life prince isn't going to whisk you off your feet, but maybe if you are lucky (which thankfully I am in some ways) you'll find someone will mean everything to you. And some dreams you fully expect to come true.

Mine have always been to work abroad in some far off country in animal conservation, hell I'll even build a whole animal shelter single handed if it meant I was living my dream.
I was all set to finish my gcse's and go off around the world before going off to university. I had it all planned out, where I was going to visit, how I was going to get there...And then shit happens!
Now I don't want kids. It's one dream I never hoped for. I don't possess any maternal instinct and prefer to work with kids so that I can leave after an hour rather than having my own. But what I do hope for is the getting married on some white sandy beach with close family there.
The problem is, as things stand now I'd be inclined to say no to that dreams because how I can I put the burden of looking after me on to someone?
Okay, I know it would be out of love but I just don't think it's fair. I hate doing it to my parents and I couldn't bare doing it to the person I love.
And then there is the beautiful house out of the city where we could go for quiet walks on an evening. Okay so maybe not as big as the house below, but still somewhere to call OUR home.
And yet, as it is, there is no way I could afford to share a flat let alone buy a house.
I was talking to Mark last night about it - don't ask how it came up, it just did - and living together is something we both want in the future when we've been together abit longer and he is settled in his job but I can't bare to think about it. I know I couldn't afford it and unless a miracle happens in the next three years, it will be even more unlikely when my benefit is up for re-assessment.
I've been through so much shit in the past six years that I would just love for us to be able to take that next step without any stress and to just be happy. But I can't because I can't bare to think of Mark having to look after me whenever I'm too ill to care for myself and a house (Yes! It's a pride thing!) or pay more into the house because I don't have enough money to live, let alone pay bills.
I know most people will say 'Oh but you might be better by then' and even Mark holds out hope that I'll not have to go through the pain every single day but let's face it, after six years and not that much improvement, it's not that likely I'll be getting better in the next three years. And I've accepted that, I can live with that but it pains me to think that in five or six years, we'll be stuck in the same damn place going nowhere, and that isn't fair.
I'm sorry for my whiny post today and Mark if you are reading this, just know that I love you, more than I ever thought I could allow myself to and I want so much for us. So I hope you are right - Just keep your fingers crossed.
Quote of the day: 'Can we pretend that aeroplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, I could really use a wish right now'

Thursday, 15 July 2010

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

You know, I have never really thought of myself as beautiful, especially not after my self-esteem was shattered by years of being put down by friends. And yet I am able to see the beauty in everything else around me, it's strange how the mind works.

We live in a world full of beautiful things but how often do we actually stop and really appreciate it?

Have you ever stood outside on a clear night and just watching the stars?

Have you ever just looking into someone's eyes and realised just how beautiful they are?
Or listened to a piece of music and felt it all the way to your soul?
Beauty is everywhere...

It's in the young woman you see walk past
(Above photograph credit to
In the relationship of a mother and daughter playing on the beach, a love that will last forever

And the love that a mother has for her cub, who she'll risk her life to protect

In the young love that feels like it could last forever, no matter what your age

And in the mist that shrouds a landscape as the sun sets

And yet, we can't see the beauty in our own lives. The unconditional love from our parents who would give up everything to care for us if we became ill. The reflection in the mirror every morning. The old couple who still walk down the street hand in hand even after a lifetime together. The first flower of spring.
A little girl at my work likes to walk around the playground with me. I asked her yesterday 'Why do you want to spend your whole playtime stood with me?'
Her reply?
'Because you are the most beautiful lady in the whole world'
I couldn't help but smile. If only we all still held on to that childlike innocence which allows us to see the beauty in everything, even ourselves.
So I am the most beautiful lady in the whole world and to all of you reading this, so are you and never let anyone else tell you different.
Quote of the day: Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee amongst the flowers, small children's laughter, smiling faces, your reflection. Smell the rain and feel the wind. Live and fight for the beauty in your dreams .x.

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

Have a little courage

Courage can mean so many things to so many people.

It can be running into a burning building to save the life of a child...because it's your job
It's fighting for your country, to protect it's freedom even if it means you lose your own
It's their duty to be couragous in everything they do because it's their job and for that we respect them.
But courage is in so many little things too...
It's finally letting the tears come after you held it together for so long

It's the jumping into the sea when you have a fear of water

It's writing a love letter to the person you can't live without
And it's standing out in a crowd full of people who you know will judge you
It's doing the little things which scare you. Yesterday evening, a member of AYME ( wrote that she walked across the stage at her graduation without her crutches. I haven't spoken to her much but I knew it was a huge achievement for her and I was so proud of her for doing it even though she knew she would probably feel ill afterwards because of it.
This made me realise that yes, there are those incredible people out there who show amazing courage everyday to save the lives of others but everyone of us shows courage everyday of our lives by facing something we didn't want to face...Whether that be a meeting at work you have been dreading for weeks or facing a person from your past who wasn't there for you.
And over the last few years I have finally come to understand that the one thing that has always got me through, has been the courage to fight for my life - for the life I want. I realised it took so much for me to walk away from a two year abusive relationship and I thought I wouldn't survive the anguish but here I am.
And not just that, I never thought I would be able to trust another man again but with a little courage and hope I have =]
And if i have the courage to face that, I surely have the courage to get me through anything the world decides to throw at me.
So just remember, whenever you feel you can't achieve something or you can't walk away...Just have a little courage and you'll get through, I promise!
Quote of the day: 'Courage is the resistance to fear, master of fear - not the absence of fear' ~ Mark Twain

Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Feeling the need to run away

I've been meaning to post something here over the weekend but didn't have any idea what to say. Along with that, I was in so much pain I probably couldn't have even concentrated enough to make any sense what-so-ever. But since I'm more coherent today, here I am, waffling away.

Do you ever feel like just running away from everything? From the stresses of work, family life? For me it's from the nightmare of living everyday in pain. It's impossible to do but wouldn't it be nice to just run away into the surf of some beautiful beach on a remote island...

Or into the middle of a deserted forest where you could just sit and listen to the peaceful quiet all around?

I know there are many people who we all know who are always worse off than ourselves but we are allowed one moment of wallowing at our own misfortune...

It's easy to forget that even though we have troubles in our lives, there is always so much more for us to appreciate than there is to worry about, whether that be a career we love or a partner that means the world.

So no matter what troubles you have or how desperately you want to run away from it all, remember to never let go of everything you hold close.

Mark has been so good to me in the past year and a half, putting up with my mood dips, constant pain and being completely happy to just spend a weekend doing nothing just so that I can rest. I often wish that I could follow my dreams, run away from here and travel the world. But the moment I think that, I know that where ever I went, I want to do it all with Mark because he truely is my rock =]
Quote of the Day: One day you will look back and realise that everything you wanted has come true. It may not be your fairytale and the road to get there may have been difficult, but with a little hope you'll get there. And when you get there, never let go .x.

Thursday, 8 July 2010

New obsession

Even though it's been a bad week health wise, I have managed to read a new book in under a week - A record for me!

I have hundreds of books ranging from romance, to true crime, to Secret Societies and a few other things thrown in between. But a while ago, someone recommended Sherrilyn Kenyon to me so I bought the first book, Fantasy Lover and just left it on a shelf. Finally, I got around to reading it and I am completely hooked! I couldn't put it down and the only reason I took a break from reading it all in one go was because I was exhausted and couldn't keep my eyes open.

For anyone who is interested, Fantasy Lover is about a Spartan general who was cursed to spend eternity locked inside a book until called upon to be a love-slave. After two thousand years, a woman calls him and see something more than just a slave. But whether love can break the powerful curse placed on him by a God, is another matter entirely! Definitely worth a read, I guarantee you will lose yourself in it :)

I have just ordered the next two books in the series and no doubt I'll be ordering some more soon...looks like I'll be needing another bookcase.

Quote of the day: The worth of a book is to be measured by what you take from it ~ James Bryce

Sunday, 4 July 2010

Not the best few days

Work on Friday got so much worse. The headteacher, yet again, spoke to me like I was a piece of shit - while there were children around I might add - insisted that I needed to go and stand at the gate to let people in instead of watching over 20 children in the playground who would be unsupervised if I had left them. I told him to take it up with out team leader. And his reply was 'Go and stand at the gate now....please!' He pretty much yelled it at me and the please was most definitely an after thought. So I will be making a formal complaint against him tomorrow!

I managed to help my dad paint a fence on Saturday. I need the extra cash to pay for my driving test. I got covered in red paint because it was windy and the paint kept getting splashed onto me from the brush. Thankfully it came off easily.

But spending all day stood up doesn't go well with M.E because today I woke up and my legs refused to behave. We did go to Scarborough though. I slept most of the way there and when we did get there, I had to use my wheelchair. I wasn't happy. It's the first time I've used it in nearly two years. And not just that, Mark has never seen me in the wheelchair so I had a mini breakdown. I knew it wouldn't be an issue for Mark but I was still terrified that he would see me differently.
Obviously my worrying was needless and we managed to have a good day once Mark calmed me down.

I'm exhausted now. I have a longgggg list for the doctor tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to work either but hopefully it'll be fine.

Quote of the day: Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday

Thursday, 1 July 2010

Just three weeks left

Thank heavens! There is only three weeks left at work until a six week holiday. I've worked at the primary school for nearly 3 years now and not once have I wished for the holidays to come around quickly but for some reason, this term has been an utter nightmare for me! I'm not even sure why but in the past few weeks, I find myself getting annoyed at the kids more because they still don't listen. They do the same things wrong that they have been told off for all year. I know they are only 7 years old but they should know better than to be punching each other, swearing like a trooper and shouting rascist comments at taxi drivers that drive past. I guess that's what you get for working in a school where the majority of the pupils are disadvantaged.

Also the headteacher is an idiot. He still won't give me a permanent contract even though I'm working two of the five hours for free anyway and if he doesn't put me on a contract, the pay only goes up 20p an hour which doesn't even add up to the two hours I'm doing for nothing! He makes me so uncomfortable too...I hate speaking to him. Doubt I'll ever get a contract.
I'll have to get in a better frame of mind and just enjoy the last few weeks. Then I have the whole summer of freedom!

But I've cheered myself up with shoes :D Matalan for £12! I love that shop.

Quote of the Day: The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live