I spent the weekend with Mark, and as usual it went all too quickly and tomorrow is back to the reality of me praying that morning doesn't come because I can't bare waking up alone and in pain. I don't so much mind the waking up alone since i know I'll speak to Mark tomorrow after work but it's the pain, the feeling that if I try to stand up i'll just fall right back down, that I can't bare. When Mark is here it's easier because I can just forget, take my mind off it but once he's gone and I'm left alone to just 'rest', I'm back to wondering 'What the fuck happened to my life?' Scuse my french! And just a note, I'm not a 'I would die without my boyfriend' sort of person but he honestly does make such a difference to my life, in a way that I never thought anyone could.
And now you are wondering 'What the hell is she complaining about then?'
We all have so many hopes and dreams when we are growing up. Some are just fairytales and are never going to come true, a real life prince isn't going to whisk you off your feet, but maybe if you are lucky (which thankfully I am in some ways) you'll find someone will mean everything to you. And some dreams you fully expect to come true.
Mine have always been to work abroad in some far off country in animal conservation, hell I'll even build a whole animal shelter single handed if it meant I was living my dream.
Now I don't want kids. It's one dream I never hoped for. I don't possess any maternal instinct and prefer to work with kids so that I can leave after an hour rather than having my own. But what I do hope for is the getting married on some white sandy beach with close family there.
The problem is, as things stand now I'd be inclined to say no to that dreams because how I can I put the burden of looking after me on to someone?
Okay, I know it would be out of love but I just don't think it's fair. I hate doing it to my parents and I couldn't bare doing it to the person I love.
And then there is the beautiful house out of the city where we could go for quiet walks on an evening. Okay so maybe not as big as the house below, but still somewhere to call OUR home.
And yet, as it is, there is no way I could afford to share a flat let alone buy a house.
I was talking to Mark last night about it - don't ask how it came up, it just did - and living together is something we both want in the future when we've been together abit longer and he is settled in his job but I can't bare to think about it. I know I couldn't afford it and unless a miracle happens in the next three years, it will be even more unlikely when my benefit is up for re-assessment.
I've been through so much shit in the past six years that I would just love for us to be able to take that next step without any stress and to just be happy. But I can't because I can't bare to think of Mark having to look after me whenever I'm too ill to care for myself and a house (Yes! It's a pride thing!) or pay more into the house because I don't have enough money to live, let alone pay bills.
I know most people will say 'Oh but you might be better by then' and even Mark holds out hope that I'll not have to go through the pain every single day but let's face it, after six years and not that much improvement, it's not that likely I'll be getting better in the next three years. And I've accepted that, I can live with that but it pains me to think that in five or six years, we'll be stuck in the same damn place going nowhere, and that isn't fair.
I'm sorry for my whiny post today and Mark if you are reading this, just know that I love you, more than I ever thought I could allow myself to and I want so much for us. So I hope you are right - Just keep your fingers crossed.
Quote of the day: 'Can we pretend that aeroplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, I could really use a wish right now'