Sunday, 18 July 2010

What happened to my future?

Okay, so if you want inspiring and happy you best find another post to read because I'm incapable of that today.

I spent the weekend with Mark, and as usual it went all too quickly and tomorrow is back to the reality of me praying that morning doesn't come because I can't bare waking up alone and in pain. I don't so much mind the waking up alone since i know I'll speak to Mark tomorrow after work but it's the pain, the feeling that if I try to stand up i'll just fall right back down, that I can't bare. When Mark is here it's easier because I can just forget, take my mind off it but once he's gone and I'm left alone to just 'rest', I'm back to wondering 'What the fuck happened to my life?' Scuse my french! And just a note, I'm not a 'I would die without my boyfriend' sort of person but he honestly does make such a difference to my life, in a way that I never thought anyone could.
And now you are wondering 'What the hell is she complaining about then?'

Well....

We all have so many hopes and dreams when we are growing up. Some are just fairytales and are never going to come true, a real life prince isn't going to whisk you off your feet, but maybe if you are lucky (which thankfully I am in some ways) you'll find someone will mean everything to you. And some dreams you fully expect to come true.

Mine have always been to work abroad in some far off country in animal conservation, hell I'll even build a whole animal shelter single handed if it meant I was living my dream.
I was all set to finish my gcse's and go off around the world before going off to university. I had it all planned out, where I was going to visit, how I was going to get there...And then shit happens!
Now I don't want kids. It's one dream I never hoped for. I don't possess any maternal instinct and prefer to work with kids so that I can leave after an hour rather than having my own. But what I do hope for is the getting married on some white sandy beach with close family there.
The problem is, as things stand now I'd be inclined to say no to that dreams because how I can I put the burden of looking after me on to someone?
Okay, I know it would be out of love but I just don't think it's fair. I hate doing it to my parents and I couldn't bare doing it to the person I love.
And then there is the beautiful house out of the city where we could go for quiet walks on an evening. Okay so maybe not as big as the house below, but still somewhere to call OUR home.
And yet, as it is, there is no way I could afford to share a flat let alone buy a house.
~
I was talking to Mark last night about it - don't ask how it came up, it just did - and living together is something we both want in the future when we've been together abit longer and he is settled in his job but I can't bare to think about it. I know I couldn't afford it and unless a miracle happens in the next three years, it will be even more unlikely when my benefit is up for re-assessment.
I've been through so much shit in the past six years that I would just love for us to be able to take that next step without any stress and to just be happy. But I can't because I can't bare to think of Mark having to look after me whenever I'm too ill to care for myself and a house (Yes! It's a pride thing!) or pay more into the house because I don't have enough money to live, let alone pay bills.
~
I know most people will say 'Oh but you might be better by then' and even Mark holds out hope that I'll not have to go through the pain every single day but let's face it, after six years and not that much improvement, it's not that likely I'll be getting better in the next three years. And I've accepted that, I can live with that but it pains me to think that in five or six years, we'll be stuck in the same damn place going nowhere, and that isn't fair.
~
I'm sorry for my whiny post today and Mark if you are reading this, just know that I love you, more than I ever thought I could allow myself to and I want so much for us. So I hope you are right - Just keep your fingers crossed.
Quote of the day: 'Can we pretend that aeroplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, I could really use a wish right now'

4 comments:

  1. You don't always have to be happy and inspiring - the flowers need the rain to grow; the photos need the dark to develop. (Heck, that was cheesy, sorry!) My point is, it's ok! Don't give up on your hopes and dreams.
    Love xxxx

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  2. Thanks Helen :) I guess I'm so used to trying to be happy all the time and making the best out of bad situations, that I get stumped when I'm faced with something I can't deal with.
    Love and hugs .x.x.x.

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  3. hi hun, giving you hugs x x x

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  4. Hugs. Don't completely give up on your dreams! I know I'm not the most inspiring person or happiest but I'm beginning to realise that life is possible, even with M.E. Perhaps what you need is not to give up on your dreams but to edit them to include your M.E. Obviously it would be great if we could wave a wand and it went away (still gonna keep my fingers crossed for that) but the reality unfortunately isn't so great.

    I understand that you don't want to be a burden and I understand that you want to support yourself but...damn it, I've forgotten where I was going or what I was trying to say. Anyway, I know it's hard but try and think positively and see if you can find a place for M.E. in your dreams (even if that means changing them a bit - eg. spreading a wedding out over a couple of days rather than in one big go - you get my drift).

    Oh, and I'm totally not having a go at you for being down - I know I said be positive but I completely believe that being positive all the time is far too draining.

    Hope you can make sense out of this that's turned into ramblings.

    Anyways, big hugs and hope you feel more yourself soon x

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